Hanging my head in shame

I think I just saw the picture that changed my life. I have never seen myself in this light before, and I am humiliated that it is online (a friend posted it in her blog). It is just a picture of me, sitting at the bar with a few friends....nothing special about it. Except that I had an enlightening moment when I saw it. I look so big. I mean REALLY big....I look fat. I mean, I know I am fat....But I think I often have an altered self image because, frankly, I had no idea I looked like this. It is not just a bad angle. I look really, really fat. Today I went shopping, and I have gone up 2 pant sizes in the past couple of months. I avoided the pool at ALL costs this summer. I can't do this anymore. I read my posts from so long ago and think, wow...I could be so far in my weight loss if I would have actually done something when I said I was going to. I hate this. I absolutely hate this.

Well, here I am again. I have been thinking of this blog lately but have avoided it for the simple fact that I haven't stuck with it, so I didn't want to face it again. But, I was tempted to read what I had written before, so it inspired me to write. Its January now, and I have not lost a pound. I stopped trying, and my weight loss dreams nestled back to where they are most comfortable, in the back of my mind. But, since the holidays are over, and there is all this talk about New Years resolutions, the thoughts have weight loss has resurfaced.

I am going on my first cruise with my 2 sisters and mom in May. This is my new goal to work toward in my weight loss. I've talked to my sister, who also has struggled with losing weight, and she is also going to try to lose be the time the cruise says. She says that cruises are awesome, but are kinda a downer when you're a fatty. So, I've decided I'm going to give it another go, and try to get some results before I give up. I hate that I can't go out to the pool with my friends in the summer without feeling embarrassed. Which is exactly why I did not go to the pool at all last summer! So, this summer, I would like it to be different. So, I'm gonna try again!

I went on a fast paced walk today, and found that walks are MUCH more pleasant when you are listening to music. I mean, the main reason I don't like to work out is because I get so damn bored. But this was all solved today with a little workout music on the Ipod! And, the weather was BEAUTIFUL. So, I am hoping to stays that way. I have 1 week until school starts for the new semester, and I am going to work in workouts into my school schedule to the school's gym. I am going to treat it like a class and just make it a priority and a habit. Wish me luck!